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#1
05-20-2009, 09:44 PM
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I Don't Remember...
It's no secret I have a lot of struggles. I try to just rest in God, but I have many doubts about a lot of things. My experience in life is far from optimal. I was raised in an anglican church and went to youth group and was confirmed at age 15 and went to sunday school and all that stuff.
I know now that at that time, I wasn't conscious of sin. I enjoyed it. I found any excuse I could to get out of church and when I was old enough, I stopped going altogether. Around 2001, I started to find any interest in religious things again. I started reading online about different cults, especially the catholic church. I eventually came across Jack Chick's site and read "this was your life". Here is where everything becomes hazy. I remember reading that tract, and I remember getting all teary and convicted, but that's all I remember. I remember thinking I am a sinner and I need Jesus, and that I was actually joyful. But I don't remember whether I accepted him as my Saviour. I don't know what I thought of Jesus before that day, or the day after. After that day, and in the years following, I became a fornicator, amongst other things. I've said this before. I don't remember a time in my life when I was convinced of sin, and got down on my knees and cried out to God and he saved me. I don't remember that ever happening. And 90% of baptist songs about salvation are all about "I remember the day, when the Lord saved me". Well, I don't. Because I don't know when it was. I remember going to a baptist church and someone asked me "When were you saved" and I didn't really know how to answer, so I said something about that chick tract and ususally if someone asks me, I will mention it because it is the only clear thing I remember. But thinking back, I think I thought I was already saved at that time... or backslidden or something.. I don't know. I've prayed a hundred times since then, when I doubt, to settle things. But it never gets settled. I've taken advice from preachers I have seen online and simply begged God to save me and wait for the feeling, which never comes. My big issue right now is that I don't remember a time when I got saved. As far as I know right now, I am trusting in Jesus the best way I know. I am not relying on anything else to get me to heaven, and honestly, it's not even about heaven. I want to know Jesus, but I just don't remember when I was saved, so I doubt, because I do remember a whole lot of other stuff I have done, and something as huge as that escapes my memory... EDIT: My Pastor wants me to see a counsellor, or psych or something. But I don't think I need to. I don't want to go on meds. I don't want to. God can heal this. I know he can. I just need His help. Please pray for my depression. I seem to have good days, and bad days, and I have a constant brain fog.. I'm sorry if this thread is a repeat of before. I don't have any friends I can actually talk to. My Pastor is in America at the moment. |
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#2
05-20-2009, 09:57 PM
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You have begged God to save you and waited for a feeling to come that never does.(Feelings are not the best thing to rely on anyway.)
You believe you are a sinner Luke and getting saved is something a child can do,just Trust Jesus that His death on your behalf is enough.Accept that. Don't worry about how to stay saved,if you are saved and you are struggling with sin,take it to the Lord. Rather than getting medication get a prayer buddy,a trusted man to be accountable to.Be honest with him and pray together. Christians struggle over their salvation and it maybe because of past sins,present sins or they maybe experiencing a satanic attack,even they maybe experiencing God prompting them to settle the matter forever. I hope you find this helpful Luke.  Mrs Hayseed |
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#3
05-20-2009, 10:40 PM
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Luke, I think you know that you and I have similar struggles. The gist of what I've gotten from the comments I've received from my various inquiries is that, if you understand that your sins will take you to hell no matter the severity or number and that there's nothing YOU can do about it, but that our God came to die in our place for those very sins and rose from the dead to take away the power of death and trust in that act of Jesus alone as the payment, that is ALL that is needed. We just need to accept this gift. I think you and I both just need to pray for the peace of God that passes understanding. I'll be praying for you brother...
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#4
05-21-2009, 07:17 AM
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Dont ever apologise about repeating yourself, especially not to me anyway, by the Grace of Our Lord Jesus Christ WE will get through this time you are having. Now what I am about to write is somewhat of a personal testimony as well and I will be open and honest about parts of my life to you and this forum to show you Brother that YOU are not alone, and that you will always have a friend and a brother to talk to. Since I broke up with my fiancée (about 7 years or so ago ) I had been on medication for depression, I was depressed before then but I was only put on medication at that time, I have made no attempt to hide the fact I used to dabble in drugs and drink, trance music and all things contrary to the Cross of Christ, the use of lsd and ecstasy and cannabis had a profound affect on my state of mind (long term) and I plunged into a darkest depression for a long number of years, I alienated friends and family and hated myself with a passion, half the time I couldn't even get myself motivated to get out of Bed, see anyone or do anything, I was just trapped in the "fogginess" as you put it. I went to see Psychiatrists, doctors, herbal doctors, alternative medicines etc (May I point out I was in a wretched backslidden state at this time) each had their own interpretation of WHY I was how I was and WHY I was feeling like I was, all of which I knew deep down were a pack of lies, I was the way I was because I turned away from fellowship with God. All the depression and anxiety was from this fact, when trouble came I sought help from every place I could "see" rather" than seek help from the only place I would ever get it from, The Lord Jesus Christ. I managed to quit the drugs (the harder ones like lsd, coke, ecstacy) I still drank and smoked cannabis from time to time, but I was still depressed and I had been on 5 or 6 different antidepressants some of which had driven me to the brink of suicide, but by the Grace of God I never managed to do such a horrible thing, but the feeling of being pulled down so low by the devil wasn't a pleasant experience, throughout all this I became involved with the wrong girl after the wrong girl, even ending up with a girl who was a practising wiccan which eventually led me to the brink again. Through all these trials brother I was fully aware how horrible I was in the sin that I was entrenched in, a big part of the reason WHY I hated myself. I continued this way for another year or so, dating the wrong kind of women, despising myself and turned again to cannabis as an escape from reality and this in turn led to the last time I would be brought to the edge of despair without hope. Sitting alone in my room, depressed and lost, friendless and without Hope, I felt a prick in my heart to get out my Bible from the cupboard it had been in for so long, I took it out and prayed to the Lord to show me, show me where my life was going wrong, where I could find the path again to put my life on the right course, where the depression would end and light ahead would begin, as I opened the pages of that Book, I had opened at Matthew and the FIRST verse I read was Matthew 11:28-30 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. I was saved when I was 10 years old Brother, the recollection is hazy at best but I know that I was saved, because the Bible tells me so, my life spent outside the hedge has given me a humbling experience that I can share with many people who are in or have been in a similar situation, as a testimony to the Power of God and his Holy written word, how a lifetime it seems of carnal help, doctors, programs, methods, pills, psychiatry had no impact on me, because I was a child of God, all I needed to do was one simple thing, rely on The Lord Jesus Christ for EVERYTHING and turn once again to HIM alone and it all over time began to melt away, the fog began to lift from reading the word of God, its not an instant change Brother, It takes time, patience, wisdom, longsuffering, it takes heart which I know you have, the world and men have had an impact on you Brother and I feel that you need to forget what men think. Your pastor ought to be ashamed to recommend you see a psychiatrist, at best he should be recommending Biblical Scriptural counselling, not humanistic babble, to be honest Brother the fellowship you are in seems to be hurting you more than helping you and your pastor is dead wrong in recommending you seek "professional" help, that lack of faith on his part certainly wont help you. I suggest you do the same as Brother Buzz, and get away from all people for at least a day, pack up a lunch, go somewhere, just you and your Bible and Gods spirit in some place you can observe Gods glorious creation (beach, forest, mountains etc) and just be yourself with God and his word, talk to him like you would if he was sitting beside you because he is, do it in a place where no one is about in case you feel silly doing so and get all the things that weigh heavy on your heart OUT in the open and start fellowshipping with The Lord Jesus, for he will never leave thee nor forsake thee! Hebrews 13:5 Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. Brother email me and we can swop phone numbers and anytime (regardless of time difference) you can call me if you need a friend, a brother to talk too. You are not alone, and God will not let you down even when you let yourself down. Isaiah 55:9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. These trials contain a blessing which you cannot measure now, but you will soon and it will all be for Gods Glory. Stand fast Brother, time is yet short and the Judge is at the door. Galatians 5:1 Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage. |
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#5
05-21-2009, 11:41 AM
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Brother Luke,
I know exactly what you are going through. I've been there and done that and thought and felt all of it. My christian walk has been like having a lifetime pass to a water-slide park; the occasional push back up the ladder then the quick slide back down. I can tell you from experience that mind-altering drugs are doorways to demonic oppression. This invites them with much power into your life just the same as using a ouija board, or participating in a seance, or practicing witchcraft or occultism of any kind. Legal mind-altering drugs like anti-depressants are no better. Those will fog your thinking and shut your spirit up from hearing the Holy Spirit's voice and also numbs your conscience and makes it hard to care about anyone else. If you decide to put your trust in the quackery of this world's "mental health" industry it will grind you up and spit you out. My husband shared this insight with me a few years ago and it helped me a lot: People who think they are Christians but aren't don't agonize over whether they are saved or not. They have no understanding of their utter helplessness to turn from sin because they can't see their own depravity. Therefore, they can believe that membership in a church, or being baptized, is all it takes. Only those with the indwelling of the Holy Spirit can even have an inkling of how bad they really are. As born-again Christians we can agonize over the question of whether we have been saved or not because of not rightly-dividing the Word of God as well as what you describe in your post. Drugs and occult experiences and fornication and unforgiveness and judging others (the last two are my weakness) will keep a Christian in a deep pit of destruction as long as these things are being practiced. Even after we stop practicing these sins the demons will continue to torment and accuse until these things are confessed and renounced. I suggest that you ask the Holy Spirit to bring all of these sins to remembrance and start making a detailed and comprehensive list. Set time every day to confess and renounce everything on your list, and keep adding to it as the Holy Spirit leads. There is such a thing as legal ground and these demons are not going to let go unless they are forced to. The Lord won't make that happen if the sins in our lives aren't specifically renounced. I think there are people on this board that pray for us. I know the Lord is starting to move in my life very powerfully and I believe He will in yours, as well. Just think about it. Why would God not have saved you if you asked Him to? The enemy will do everything in their power to keep you under their bondage. The Lord is stronger than they are. This is what Jesus has to say in His own words: Matthew 7:7 Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: 7:8 For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened. 7:9 Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone? 7:10 Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? 7:11 If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him? Last edited by greenbear; 05-21-2009 at 11:53 AM. Reason: changed from "Jesus" to "God" |
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#6
05-22-2009, 08:19 AM
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Luke
I have written to you several times about this, because I too understand and went through a period where I doubted my salvation. It was a terrible experience and disrupted my life for several months. I had difficulty working, because it was all I could think about. It even affected my relationship with my family, I became very withdrawn and depressed. I would go out at night and walk to a deserted spot and pray for hours. For me, the problem was a misunderstanding of faith. I had listened to some false teaching and thought faith was a feeling (which it is not), and that you had to maintain this confidence without wavering. As I have written before, I was looking the wrong direction. I was looking at myself, and of course I saw failure. I could not maintain this constant confidence without having doubts and fears. And so I was convinced that I did not have faith. But I did not doubt Jesus whatsoever. I knew Jesus would save me if I could just have this faith, but I kept failing at having faith. Finally, I realized that Jesus and Jesus alone is the object of our faith. The question is not whether we will fail, we will fail every time. Very experience will teach any honest person that we are failures. The question is whether Jesus will fail. And I know, and I believe you know that Jesus cannot fail. Jesus is perfect, absolutely perfect. Jesus does not lie, Jesus does not mislead. As was posted before, Jesus said: Ask Seek Knock Now, look at that Luke. The first letter of each word spells ASK. Do you think that is a coincidence? To all those people that can't believe that God planned to publish his Word in the English language I say baloney! The King James Bible in English is the perfect infallible Word of God and God planned it that way from the beginning. You can't do this with Greek, Latin, Hebrew, or any other language. So don't listen to these false teachers. Jesus said you just have to ask. And Luke, it is not the asking that saves, it is Jesus who saves us when we come to him in faith. And Luke, the asking is just an outward show of faith. You are not going to pray to Jesus to save you if you do not already believe that Jesus is truly the Son of God who died for your sins and rose from the dead. If Jesus did not rise from the dead, how could I pray to him? If Jesus is not the Son of God, how could he hear my prayers, the thoughts of my heart? So you see, when you ask, you have already believed. The sinners prayer is more a help for you, so you can remember the time you came to Jesus for salvation. And there is no perfect way to come to Jesus, we are not able to do anything perfectly, and Jesus is not asking that of you. Just come to him any way you know how. He hears you and is glad to save you. The stories of the sick and lame are perfect pictures of salvation. When a blind person came to Jesus, did Jesus say "start seeing, and then I will give you sight". Of course not. A blind man cannot heal himself, and he can only come to Jesus as a blind man. It is Jesus that heals you. These folks that preach that you must completely quit sinning (they say repent) are teaching falsehood. If you had to quit sinning 100% to get saved, then none of us would get saved. We are not perfect, and there is no way for even us to come to Jesus perfectly, we do not know how and are not able. Look at this wonderful passage. Luke 18:10 Two men went up into the temple to pray; the one a Pharisee, and the other a publican. 11 The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, God, I thank thee, that I am not as other men are, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican. 12 I fast twice in the week, I give tithes of all that I possess. 13 And the publican, standing afar off, would not lift up so much as his eyes unto heaven, but smote upon his breast, saying, God be merciful to me a sinner. 14 I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other: for every one that exalteth himself shall be abased; and he that humbleth himself shall be exalted. Oh, how wonderful this passage is. Look at the poor humble publican. He was a wretched sinner, so imperfect, and he knew it. He had nothing to offer the Lord. He simply prayed and asked the Lord for mercy, just as he was. He was so ashamed of himself. But look how wonderful Jesus was, Jesus saved this poor publican right then and there. And he will save you just the same. And if you have asked Jesus to save you, then you are saved. How do you know? By the Word of God! Not feelings. I know I am saved because the Bible says so. I am so thankful for the Word of God. God's Word is greater than my feelings. It is greater than all the lies and tricks the devil uses. Luke, just take Jesus at his word. Jesus knows your struggles, pray and ask for help, he will help you. When you get through this trial, you will be better off for it. You will be strong and very assured. But get off this feeling thing, feelings come and go like the wind. But the Word of God is our strong foundation. Luke 6:47 Whosoever cometh to me, and heareth my sayings, and doeth them, I will shew you to whom he is like: 48 He is like a man which built an house, and digged deep, and laid the foundation on a rock: and when the flood arose, the stream beat vehemently upon that house, and could not shake it: for it was founded upon a rock. 49 But he that heareth, and doeth not, is like a man that without a foundation built an house upon the earth; against which the stream did beat vehemently, and immediately it fell; and the ruin of that house was great. Luke, Jesus is our foundation. The Word of God is our foundation, that is why it is so important for us to defend the infallible Word of God here. Depend on God's Word no matter what you feel like. In time your assurance will grow and then you will feel good. The good feelings come after assurance, not the other way around. |
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#7
05-22-2009, 07:45 PM
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Luke, you need to understand, live, breath, eat, and be mummified in God's Grace. I'm here anytime Grace and peace Tony |
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#8
05-22-2009, 08:53 PM
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After re-reading my earlier post to you I feel the need to clarify that I was in no way inferring that you were ever involved in anything having to do with the occult. I was mentioning sins that I believe from experience can result in oppression and doubts about one's salvation. I was never really involved in the occult but did mess around with the Ouiji Board and seances, the stuff that clueless young people sometimes do to their own hurt. Sorry if my lack of organized thought on that post would cause anyone to get that impression that you had. I'm taping this verse on my computer monitor so I can see it clearly at all times while posting: 17:28 Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding. I don't really see how you're not saved. I'll be praying for your assurance of that FACT, brother. |
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