[Luke]

It's no secret I have a lot of struggles. I try to just rest in God, but I have many doubts about a lot of things. My experience in life is far from optimal. I was raised in an anglican church and went to youth group and was confirmed at age 15 and went to sunday school and all that stuff.

I know now that at that time, I wasn't conscious of sin. I enjoyed it. I found any excuse I could to get out of church and when I was old enough, I stopped going altogether.

Around 2001, I started to find any interest in religious things again. I started reading online about different cults, especially the catholic church. I eventually came across Jack Chick's site and read "this was your life".

Here is where everything becomes hazy. I remember reading that tract, and I remember getting all teary and convicted, but that's all I remember. I remember thinking I am a sinner and I need Jesus, and that I was actually joyful.

But I don't remember whether I accepted him as my Saviour. I don't know what I thought of Jesus before that day, or the day after. After that day, and in the years following, I became a fornicator, amongst other things. I've said this before.

I don't remember a time in my life when I was convinced of sin, and got down on my knees and cried out to God and he saved me. I don't remember that ever happening. And 90% of baptist songs about salvation are all about "I remember the day, when the Lord saved me". Well, I don't. Because I don't know when it was.

I remember going to a baptist church and someone asked me "When were you saved" and I didn't really know how to answer, so I said something about that chick tract and ususally if someone asks me, I will mention it because it is the only clear thing I remember. But thinking back, I think I thought I was already saved at that time... or backslidden or something.. I don't know.

I've prayed a hundred times since then, when I doubt, to settle things. But it never gets settled. I've taken advice from preachers I have seen online and simply begged God to save me and wait for the feeling, which never comes.

My big issue right now is that I don't remember a time when I got saved. As far as I know right now, I am trusting in Jesus the best way I know. I am not relying on anything else to get me to heaven, and honestly, it's not even about heaven. I want to know Jesus, but I just don't remember when I was saved, so I doubt, because I do remember a whole lot of other stuff I have done, and something as huge as that escapes my memory...

EDIT: My Pastor wants me to see a counsellor, or psych or something. But I don't think I need to. I don't want to go on meds. I don't want to. God can heal this. I know he can. I just need His help.

Please pray for my depression. I seem to have good days, and bad days, and I have a constant brain fog.. I'm sorry if this thread is a repeat of before. I don't have any friends I can actually talk to. My Pastor is in America at the moment.